Men's Health Beach Abs or something like that.
It's a pretty good read so far. The book/magazine is divided into different sections; working out, nutrition, women, etc.

And that got me to thinking about sex. "Top 10 ways to please your women", "what to say to her when she's naked" etc...

which got me to think about the interconnectedness of sex and love. (Or lack there of)

For me, they were never related. Sex was an act of primal urgency, love was the cuddling, touching, caressing, words of everyday life.

Friend's with benefits? No problem for me.

But sometimes after sex, i'd have this empty feeling that would rise from my stomach and make me feel slightly uncomfortable.

And i'd wonder about it...but didn't chalk it up to anything.

I just read in the National Post today that women's orgasms are highly linked to their emotional closeness of their partner (?!?!?)
Plus that having an orgasm is quite a mind over matter affair. (Which i already knew)

So then I thought, "crap, maybe that's why it's so difficult for me"

and then proceeded to backtrack through my memories of WHY exactly I separate love and sex.

And proceed to come to the conclusion that having my heart broken by my first boyfriend almost 9 years ago did more damage than i realized.

I have him 100% of everything I had...including my first time. It didn't matter that we probably weren't that compatible, that i wasn't always so happy...cuz i was 'in love'. And being so young, I thought well love was expressed through this act of passion..."he loves me right? that's why we do 'it'...stupid 'sex' kept me bonded to him for way longer than I should have stayed.

lol man that was naiive of me.

So i think after being crushed, I never ever put my whole being into another relationship again. I proceeded to seperate love and sex (as sex was what screwed me, literally), never wanting to feel that anguishing pain again.

But what did that do for me? Sure its a form of self-preservation...but what did I miss out on. I think i've missed out on a lot due to my somewhat warped nature. hmm.

And I'm finally allowing myself to explore the pleasures of sex with love...which i'm finding quite intense. I like the added dimension. Although it might ultimately screw me in the end again, I think my ultra self-preserving persona can help keep an equilibrium in my new journey into S w/L.

On a tangent, I've been questioning myself lately on this: I think if i was cheated on, it would seriously just be an ego-bruise, rather than a heartache. Does that mean, I didn't actually love my previous boyfriends?  (minus #1 bf)

This thought kind of troubles me!!

Was i only 'in love' with #1 because i didn't know any better?
I know i was serious about #2, and i tried to stick it out...
#3 came as a surprised, but i cherished it while it lasted...until the end.
#3.5 i allowed myself to fall for because I knew it would be over eventually...i think i convinced myself it was something else.
#4 was never suppose to turn into a relationship but it did...but it was in a class of it's own.

I felt a different type of "love" for each of these people. Not at all similiar in any way. Perhaps they are all forms of love but, damn it's irritating...how am i ever going to get married when I don't know what i'm suppose to feel. All of these feelings were real at one point but all dwindled away.

Why am i pondering this lame topic. shit.

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